my feelings

1004409_10201336414436923_1990589911_n I have tried to live by this most of my life enduring without really complaining , as a result I have been called inspiration ,superman role model and hero, those are the good things I have also been called monster ,fake , liar , and many others. the truth is I do not see myself as any of these though at times the negative ones creep in, I just see myself as doing what I have  to live and survive,I had a friend ask why i do not call myself a survivor anymore, I have friends who are cancer free and I take nothing away from them and their happiness in saying and claiming that, but for me it has been 47 yrs and 4 months of having cancer with no chance of being free, i was having a talk with a friend the other night and was asked if I was going to talk to my mom again when i told her no she said I needed to let go of the hurt from the past and forgive them for the hurt i have had. I apologize if this seems to ramble and be unconnected but am in a lot of pain and fatigue while writing this, I have also been fighting with DSHS and Medicaid over death with dignity and their rules and regulations and the delays they are causing stating they need older medical records and want more tests , older medical records do not exist anymore and I am tired of tests and being a pin cushion with no help to me,

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2 Responses to my feelings

  1. butilookgood says:

    Your entire life has been inspirational to so many, Matt, because you have to endure such pain and anguish, yet you have remained a generous, thankful, loving, gentle man! You are now towards the end of your journey.

    Please do not let anyone tell you that you are failing to keep up the fight. None of us could have kept up such an amazing fight for so long! Now, you are at a place where people need to understand is no longer a matter of willpower or courage. Your body is breaking down quickly and the pain and emotions of it all must be unfathomable. You have fought an incredible fight and you are still fighting within your power.

    Friends, please let Matt share his true feelings, fears and suffering without making him feel like he is failing you or failing to fight. It is hard enough to go through what he is going through, without causing him to feel guilt or shame. He should feel NEITHER! None of us could have done anything he has done.

    • tammy says:

      That last comment could not have been more beautifully said. Wow. Matt, this is your life. You werent given any choices in what youve endured. I support you no matter what you choose now. I know we’re strangers but if you need ANYthing to help you on this part of your journey…say the word. Your life may not be “beautiful” but you are beautiful to us. Thank you for sharing your life with us through your blog. You have inspired me to be more compassionate and open my eyes to the struggle of others. That’s a forever gift.

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