It has been a long and difficult fight and I finally chose to have quality of life versus quantity and  decided to end my pain and suffering . .I have enjoyed knowing all of you and have greatly appreciated your friendship. my life has been enriched by all of you and for that I will forever be grateful.There are too many of you to list or thank individually but know that you all mean the world to me and I am a better person for knowing each of you.my life has been an adventure, a struggle and a deep learning experience . I hope that I have left a positive mark on this world. I tried to treat others the way that I wanted to be treated maybe even better than I wanted to

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photo essay about me available in print

The photo essay by Ilona Berzups “walking with Giant” is now available in print here is the link; http://www.ilophotography.com/essay-orders

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my thoughts

While I appreciate everyone’s input as to alternative treatment options i.e. cannabis oil, medical marijuana, sour sop ect. I do not feel they are right for me . I have tried alternative treatments and have tried new  drugs with little if any results or help. but in the end the decisions are mine what to do for me , and I am in process of making some difficult and final one which I know many will not agree with or like but I am doing what I think is best for me . things will be changing soon and I am not ready to explain all of it just know that I am trying to do what I see as best for me. Recent events and procedures have shown me little help from the medical community or DSHS or Medicaid in my future . Dr want me on new drug but I can not qualify for trials and Medicaid will not pay for it because it is too expensive and Dr. feels they cannot keep up with the skin cancer lesions I have and refuse to do further procedures.

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update 5-17-14

As many of you know I have been trying to start the process for death with dignity here in Washington , this has met with mixed emotions from others and questions about what I am thinking. This week has been difficult with more issues presenting themselves and my body not being able to compensate anymore. Adding to it the stress of dealing with cellphone company and needing a replacement handset that they have failed to get to me in 4 tries, and having dshs and medicaid tell me they want more tests and details before they will authorize referral to psychological Dr. or pain specialist which are both required for me to proceed in death with dignity, the tests they want some would injure me and even potentially kill me in my current state but they insist they are necessary for them to approve me along. I have tried to be good client and follow the rules and regulations but this I will not do so I am forced to look at other options . I realize that I am getting weaker and fighting is wearing me out . things need to change and I intend to do what I FEEL I NEED TO DO

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a little History

As many of you know my story I was homeless for an extended part of my adult life and not entirely by choice.I spent many years on the streets of this country and have been an advocate for homeless and change in the way they are perceived and treated . Back in 2003 the federal government sent a message to state and local governments across the country that they had to conceive and implement a 10 year plan to reduce or eliminate homelessness or risk losing federal funds for programs . well it has been almost ten years now and few states have come close to this goal the closest being Utah while other states have gone in the opposite direction actually making it illegal in their states to be homeless or for people to try and provide the simplest needs to the homeless like food and water . South Carolina has cities where it is illegal to be homeless and Florida and other states have threatened community people for trying to provide food and water to homeless with fines and or jail time .I wonder how the decision makers in these states would feel if they were the ones in need of help and being denied or seeing the people try to help you being harassed by police, as a former homeless person I am angered  at what i see happening even here in Seattle a homeless man was sleeping near a memorial for firefighters who had died on duty when two firefighters and one’s girlfriend started an incident with him ,people were upset by it but when the homeless man didn’t want to cooperate with the d.a. office the case was dropped though there were several other eye witnesses to the incident , who gives people the right to morally judge who deserves to be somewhere or not in the constitution we are all guaranteed the right of freedom life liberty and the pursuit of happiness but some seem to forget that.





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super hero strength?

I as many of my friends know am an avid movie buff and watcher,I like Hugh Jackman for his film and stage work but to see a reporter call him super stronger than wolverine after a second operation for skin cancer burns me, yes having skin cancer surgery is difficult but after two calling him that is wrong,I have several friends who have endured much more as have I and we are not super heroes simply doing what we have to do, this is the article I am referring to;http://moviepilot.com/posts/2014/05/12/hugh-jackman-reveals-second-skin-cancer-scare-1418849?lt_source=external,manual#!MVVJ1; nothing against Hugh he is an amazing man but I have issues with the author of the article

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my feelings

1004409_10201336414436923_1990589911_n I have tried to live by this most of my life enduring without really complaining , as a result I have been called inspiration ,superman role model and hero, those are the good things I have also been called monster ,fake , liar , and many others. the truth is I do not see myself as any of these though at times the negative ones creep in, I just see myself as doing what I have  to live and survive,I had a friend ask why i do not call myself a survivor anymore, I have friends who are cancer free and I take nothing away from them and their happiness in saying and claiming that, but for me it has been 47 yrs and 4 months of having cancer with no chance of being free, i was having a talk with a friend the other night and was asked if I was going to talk to my mom again when i told her no she said I needed to let go of the hurt from the past and forgive them for the hurt i have had. I apologize if this seems to ramble and be unconnected but am in a lot of pain and fatigue while writing this, I have also been fighting with DSHS and Medicaid over death with dignity and their rules and regulations and the delays they are causing stating they need older medical records and want more tests , older medical records do not exist anymore and I am tired of tests and being a pin cushion with no help to me,

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